WHEN Phil loses a game of poker to the Jonas Brothers, Chris must face the consequences.
It's not a slash fic!
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"Chris, go home!!" Phil shouted. "It's time to leave."
"Can I please just record this one last time, Phil?" Chris begged. "Pleaaaaseee?"
Chris made his best puppy dog eyes, but they weren't gonna work on Phil.
"No, I've got a card game to go to. And I have to leave, like, right now."
"Ooh, who are you playing cards with?" Chris asked.
"I'm going over to... the Jonas's," Phil muttered.
"The who?"
"The Jonas's," Phil said in a much louder voice.
"The JONAS'S?" Chris gasped. "But, Phil, they're talentless American pop stars! Why would you play cards with them?"
"Cause they suck and I make a lot of money off of them," Phil answered. "I never lose."
"Hmm... okay. Good luck, then!" Chris said before hopping off to his home.
THE NEXT DAY
Chris hopped back to the Bakery to find that Phil was already there.
But Phil was not quite as jovial as he usually was.
"Hey, how'd the game go, Phil?" Chris asked in his bright voice.
"I... I lost," Phil said.
"Holy Toblerone, Phil! How much did you lose?"
"I didn't lose any money, I-"
"Oh no, did you lose your... delicates?"
"Chris, why the fuck would I lose my underpants?"
"I don't know!!" Chris exclaimed. "Oh... oh, Phil... you didn't lose your house, did you?"
Phil shook his head. "I lost... you."
"... What?" Chris asked in a quiet voice.
"I bet your contract, and I lost." Phil and Chris stared at each other for a few moments. Then, Chris began to laugh.
"Oh, Phil, you're such a joker. Anyway, time to record some demos!" Chris tried to get into the Bakery, but Phil wouldn't let him through.
"You don't belong here anymore, Chris."
"Phil, Phil, Philly, Phil. You've got to learn when to give up your joke, man. It's not funny once you've been found out," Chris said, patting his hand on Phil's shoulder.
"It's not a joke, Chris."
"Yeah, Chris, it's not a joke," said a voice from behind Chris. Chris turned to see who it was.
"Oh no..."
"You work with us now, Chris Martin," Nick said.
"Yeah, it's time to come with us," Joe agreed.
Chris, horrified, ran to Phil and grabbed the front of his jacket.
"Phil, I don't want to be a JoBro! I want to be in Coldplay!!" he cried.
"I'm so sorry, Chris," Phil cried back. "It's all my fault!"
Nick, Joe, and Kevin watched as Phil and Chris clung to each other, bawling their eyes out.
"Aw, look at them," Nick said.
"Poor guys," Joe said.
"So sad," Kevin added. "OK, time to go now!"
The three brothers pulled Chris away and dragged him out of the alley.
"Phil, you dumbass," Joe said as they walked away. "You should have known that we're practically proJoBros at Go Fish! We're hustlers, don'tcha know?"
"Yeah, we've been waiting for this for ever! We may not have much talent," Nick said, "but now we've got someone who does!"
"Phil..." Chris whispered as the brothers pulled him away.
"Chris..."
THE UGLY PLACE
full of JoBros things!
Chris looked at his surroundings. There were tacky posters up on the walls of artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. It was uuuuugly!
"What is this place?" Chris wondered aloud. Suddenly, the door opened and the brothers walked in.
"OK, we're ready for our next hit single!" Nick said, clapping his hands together.
"Yeah, let's do this," Joe agreed.
"Actually, guys-" Chris began.
"Listen, Martin," Nick threatened. "You either do this, or we cut your talent out of your body and stick it into Kevin."
"Yeah!" Joe said. "Wait... why does Kevin get the talent?"
"Because we got the looks," Nick replied.
"Oh, yeah! Makes sense. Sorry, I just forgot that we're so gorgeous."
"It's understandable. Just remember what I taught you when you forget."
"Always...," Joe said, tapping his chin with his index finger. "Ah! Always look in the mirror."
"Precisely. Now, Chris, make us a hit song!"
Chris reluctantly walked over to the piano sitting in the middle of the room. It was weird, and nothing at all like his piano. He tried to play a few chords, but it just wasn't working out. He looked around once more. He noticed a sign on the wall.
"The sign says, 'Studio'," Chris said, "but my heart says... jail."
He looked back down at the piano, and began to play again.
"A sto-"
"No, that's no good!" Joe said. "Try again."
"But I didn't even really start the song," Chris whined.
"Yeah, and it was already not good enough," Nick said. "Jesus Chris- I mean, Christ, I thought you were supposed to be a genius at this!"
"None of this feels right," Chris said. "Maybe if this place looked more like the Bakery, I might feel better."
"Fine," Joe said. "Hey, Kevin, get over here!"
Kevin walked over, and Joe whispered something in his ear. Kevin nodded and left.
A BIT LATER
"There, that's the last of it," Kevin said, dropping the piano onto the floor.
"Good," Nick said. "Now, play us a tune, Chris!"
Chris sat down at his piano. His fingers hit the keys, but it still wasn't right.
"I'm sorry, guys. I can't do this," Chris said. "This place looks too much like the Bakery now, and I... I..." Chris started to cry.
"Oh my God, you're such a crybaby!" Nick exclaimed. "What will get you to write us a flipping song?"
"Well," Chris began, his face lighting up, "some chocolate might help."
Fifteen minutes later, Kevin brought in a giant wheelbarrow filled with various chocolates. Two minutes after that, the wheelbarrow was empty.
"There!" Nick said. "Is that enough chocolate for you?"
"Oh, definitely!" Chris said, licking the last bit of chocolate from the empty wrapper in his hand.
"Will you write a song now?" Joe asked.
"Hmmm... nah! I wanna go to the park!" Chris said.
"The park?"
"Yeah, and swing on the swings, and climb on the jungle gym, and go across the monkey bars..."
"Aren't you a little old for that?" Nick asked. Chris shot a look at him.
"Why do you hate me?" he whined. "Why does everybody hate me all the time?!?!"
Chris began to throw a fit, screaming, crying, jumping, and throwing things all over the place.
"That's enough!!" Nick finally screamed. "I'm so sick of you!"
"Yeah," Joe agreed. "You're going back, we don't care if we're talentless! At least we've still got our looks... minus Kevin, of course."
"Yeah!" Kevin said. "... Hey!"
"Oh, please. You're about as attractive as dirt," Nick said. "Now, take Chris back, please."
"What makes you the boss?" Kevin asked. "I'm the oldest, you know."
"Yeah, but no one wants to listen to you," Nick said. "And besides, everyone knows I'm the best looking."
"No, I thought that was me!" Joe said.
"I think you're both lemurs compared to Guy Berryman," Kevin said.
Joe and Nick turned to him and simultaneously said, "Who?"
"Seriously?" Kevin asked, rolling his eyes. "The bassist from Coldplay."
"Speaking of," Nick said, "where'd Chris go?"
The three brothers looked around, but Chris was nowhere to be found.
THE BAKERY
"That's the last time we let Phil make any decisions," Jonny said.
"Yeah, I can't believe you were a Jonas Brother," Guy said. "How lame."
"Well, we're glad to have you back," Will said.
"Thanks, guys," Chris smiled. "I'm glad to be back. But there's just one problem..."
"What is it?" Jonny asked.
"I still haven't worked off that sugar rush."
"Oh, God," Will said. "That's it, where'd Phil go?"
"He went to the store to get more tissues, why?" Guy asked.
"Because," Will said, "this is his mess. He can clean it up."
"Can I please just record this one last time, Phil?" Chris begged. "Pleaaaaseee?"
Chris made his best puppy dog eyes, but they weren't gonna work on Phil.
"No, I've got a card game to go to. And I have to leave, like, right now."
"Ooh, who are you playing cards with?" Chris asked.
"I'm going over to... the Jonas's," Phil muttered.
"The who?"
"The Jonas's," Phil said in a much louder voice.
"The JONAS'S?" Chris gasped. "But, Phil, they're talentless American pop stars! Why would you play cards with them?"
"Cause they suck and I make a lot of money off of them," Phil answered. "I never lose."
"Hmm... okay. Good luck, then!" Chris said before hopping off to his home.
THE NEXT DAY
Chris hopped back to the Bakery to find that Phil was already there.
But Phil was not quite as jovial as he usually was.
"Hey, how'd the game go, Phil?" Chris asked in his bright voice.
"I... I lost," Phil said.
"Holy Toblerone, Phil! How much did you lose?"
"I didn't lose any money, I-"
"Oh no, did you lose your... delicates?"
"Chris, why the fuck would I lose my underpants?"
"I don't know!!" Chris exclaimed. "Oh... oh, Phil... you didn't lose your house, did you?"
Phil shook his head. "I lost... you."
"... What?" Chris asked in a quiet voice.
"I bet your contract, and I lost." Phil and Chris stared at each other for a few moments. Then, Chris began to laugh.
"Oh, Phil, you're such a joker. Anyway, time to record some demos!" Chris tried to get into the Bakery, but Phil wouldn't let him through.
"You don't belong here anymore, Chris."
"Phil, Phil, Philly, Phil. You've got to learn when to give up your joke, man. It's not funny once you've been found out," Chris said, patting his hand on Phil's shoulder.
"It's not a joke, Chris."
"Yeah, Chris, it's not a joke," said a voice from behind Chris. Chris turned to see who it was.
"Oh no..."
"You work with us now, Chris Martin," Nick said.
"Yeah, it's time to come with us," Joe agreed.
Chris, horrified, ran to Phil and grabbed the front of his jacket.
"Phil, I don't want to be a JoBro! I want to be in Coldplay!!" he cried.
"I'm so sorry, Chris," Phil cried back. "It's all my fault!"
Nick, Joe, and Kevin watched as Phil and Chris clung to each other, bawling their eyes out.
"Aw, look at them," Nick said.
"Poor guys," Joe said.
"So sad," Kevin added. "OK, time to go now!"
The three brothers pulled Chris away and dragged him out of the alley.
"Phil, you dumbass," Joe said as they walked away. "You should have known that we're practically proJoBros at Go Fish! We're hustlers, don'tcha know?"
"Yeah, we've been waiting for this for ever! We may not have much talent," Nick said, "but now we've got someone who does!"
"Phil..." Chris whispered as the brothers pulled him away.
"Chris..."
THE UGLY PLACE
full of JoBros things!
Chris looked at his surroundings. There were tacky posters up on the walls of artists like Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift. It was uuuuugly!
"What is this place?" Chris wondered aloud. Suddenly, the door opened and the brothers walked in.
"OK, we're ready for our next hit single!" Nick said, clapping his hands together.
"Yeah, let's do this," Joe agreed.
"Actually, guys-" Chris began.
"Listen, Martin," Nick threatened. "You either do this, or we cut your talent out of your body and stick it into Kevin."
"Yeah!" Joe said. "Wait... why does Kevin get the talent?"
"Because we got the looks," Nick replied.
"Oh, yeah! Makes sense. Sorry, I just forgot that we're so gorgeous."
"It's understandable. Just remember what I taught you when you forget."
"Always...," Joe said, tapping his chin with his index finger. "Ah! Always look in the mirror."
"Precisely. Now, Chris, make us a hit song!"
Chris reluctantly walked over to the piano sitting in the middle of the room. It was weird, and nothing at all like his piano. He tried to play a few chords, but it just wasn't working out. He looked around once more. He noticed a sign on the wall.
"The sign says, 'Studio'," Chris said, "but my heart says... jail."
He looked back down at the piano, and began to play again.
"A sto-"
"No, that's no good!" Joe said. "Try again."
"But I didn't even really start the song," Chris whined.
"Yeah, and it was already not good enough," Nick said. "Jesus Chris- I mean, Christ, I thought you were supposed to be a genius at this!"
"None of this feels right," Chris said. "Maybe if this place looked more like the Bakery, I might feel better."
"Fine," Joe said. "Hey, Kevin, get over here!"
Kevin walked over, and Joe whispered something in his ear. Kevin nodded and left.
A BIT LATER
"There, that's the last of it," Kevin said, dropping the piano onto the floor.
"Good," Nick said. "Now, play us a tune, Chris!"
Chris sat down at his piano. His fingers hit the keys, but it still wasn't right.
"I'm sorry, guys. I can't do this," Chris said. "This place looks too much like the Bakery now, and I... I..." Chris started to cry.
"Oh my God, you're such a crybaby!" Nick exclaimed. "What will get you to write us a flipping song?"
"Well," Chris began, his face lighting up, "some chocolate might help."
Fifteen minutes later, Kevin brought in a giant wheelbarrow filled with various chocolates. Two minutes after that, the wheelbarrow was empty.
"There!" Nick said. "Is that enough chocolate for you?"
"Oh, definitely!" Chris said, licking the last bit of chocolate from the empty wrapper in his hand.
"Will you write a song now?" Joe asked.
"Hmmm... nah! I wanna go to the park!" Chris said.
"The park?"
"Yeah, and swing on the swings, and climb on the jungle gym, and go across the monkey bars..."
"Aren't you a little old for that?" Nick asked. Chris shot a look at him.
"Why do you hate me?" he whined. "Why does everybody hate me all the time?!?!"
Chris began to throw a fit, screaming, crying, jumping, and throwing things all over the place.
"That's enough!!" Nick finally screamed. "I'm so sick of you!"
"Yeah," Joe agreed. "You're going back, we don't care if we're talentless! At least we've still got our looks... minus Kevin, of course."
"Yeah!" Kevin said. "... Hey!"
"Oh, please. You're about as attractive as dirt," Nick said. "Now, take Chris back, please."
"What makes you the boss?" Kevin asked. "I'm the oldest, you know."
"Yeah, but no one wants to listen to you," Nick said. "And besides, everyone knows I'm the best looking."
"No, I thought that was me!" Joe said.
"I think you're both lemurs compared to Guy Berryman," Kevin said.
Joe and Nick turned to him and simultaneously said, "Who?"
"Seriously?" Kevin asked, rolling his eyes. "The bassist from Coldplay."
"Speaking of," Nick said, "where'd Chris go?"
The three brothers looked around, but Chris was nowhere to be found.
THE BAKERY
"That's the last time we let Phil make any decisions," Jonny said.
"Yeah, I can't believe you were a Jonas Brother," Guy said. "How lame."
"Well, we're glad to have you back," Will said.
"Thanks, guys," Chris smiled. "I'm glad to be back. But there's just one problem..."
"What is it?" Jonny asked.
"I still haven't worked off that sugar rush."
"Oh, God," Will said. "That's it, where'd Phil go?"
"He went to the store to get more tissues, why?" Guy asked.
"Because," Will said, "this is his mess. He can clean it up."
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