CHRIS has been sending anonymous notes to Jonny. Now it's time for him to send the note that reveals everything.
It's a slash fic!
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The paper was only slightly damp. It had soaked up some moisture as it rested against Chris's sweaty palm. This was the last note he had to send.
The other notes were all equal in their vagueness and anonymity. They were all careful to never reveal his identity, settling simply on saying things like, “You're very beautiful,” and “Those lovely eyes make me shake.” Chris often worried that they were being too direct- to the point of creepiness, even- and was not comforted by the fact that his name wasn't on them. Because he had in his hand the note that would give away everything and he was just about to deliver it.
The reaction the note would receive was completely unpredictable. It could he hated, it could be loved, it could be feared. And Chris would receive the same, for in a way he was the note, and the note was he. His feelings, and all of them, too. It could have been been creepier than the anonymous notes.
So he was sweating, filled with anxiety. He didn't want to be creepy, he just wanted his feelings to be known. Maybe he had to be creepy in order to do that.
He wasn't sure if he should just leave the note and run. After all, his name was on there clearly, so there was no real need for him to stick around. He slipped the note under the door and turned. He took two seconds to decide to leave, but the door opened behind him before he could even lift his foot.
“Oh my God,” a voice said, quite blankly.
Chris lifted his arms to his abdomen and tried to shrink into nonexistence. But he spun around slowly to face the open door, visibly shaking along the way.
“I didn't think you'd be in,” Chris quietly stuttered.
“How did I not recognize your handwriting?”
“Because I changed it, a little. So you wouldn't know.”
The note was still laying on the floor. Chris fidgeted and bit his lip.
“What does this one say?”
“It says that I sent you all those notes.”
“Does it say anything else?”
Chris nervously smiled and looked down the hallway.
“Can I go now?”
“Chris.” Sternly, Jonny glared at Chris with his penetrating green eyes.
“Can I go now?” Chris helplessly repeated.
“What else does it say?”
“It doesn't say anything.”
“Chris!”
“It doesn't-”
“Chris, I can just pick the damn note up and read it myself, so you may as well just tell me what it says.”
Chris paused. Chris thought. Chris drew a few shaky breaths and gathered his bravery.
Then, Chris spewed some sounds in the form of, “I love you!” and bolted down the hallway.
Jonny watched Chris's lanky figure disappear as he rounded the corner. The note had yet to move. Jonny bent down and picked it up, unfolding it and trying to smooth out the creases. He walked over to his bedside table and set the paper down. Then he picked up his phone and dialed a few numbers.
“Hey... Well, it seems you were right.”
It was a typical Sunday night. Jonny and Guy were sitting in Jonny's small dorm, studying like always. Guy was growing tired of the books stretched across his lap, even though they'd barely been working for an hour.
He drew his eyes away from the text, and had a look around Jonny's room. Something, an open piece of paper laying harmlessly on Jonny's nightstand, caught his attention. It was in no way extraordinary, but Guy was nosy and procrastinating.
“What's that?” he asked, pointing to the paper. Jonny checked it out quickly, then told him it was nothing. Guy was not only dissatisfied with that reply, he was also suspicious of it. Without asking, he reached out and snatched the paper.
Jonny was only a little peeved that Guy was being so intrusive. He just kept on with his studying. Guy read the paper, and a smile formed on his ruggedly handsome face. “Awww!”
Jonny looked up at him and laughed a little. “It is kinda cute, isn't it?”
“It's so cute!” Guy earnestly said. “You have no clue who it's from?”
“Nope,” Jonny said, pointedly shaking his head. Guy made a thoughtful grunting noise, then read the note again. Then, once he was finished, he read it a third time.
“Oh!” Guy proclaimed. “I think I might know who it is! Look at that,” he demanded, pointing to one of the words on the page. Jonny leaned in close to examine it.
“What about it?”
“Well, there's only one kid I know of who would use the word 'effulgent'... or who would even know what that means.”
“Well, all right, then. Who?”
Guy paused, probably for dramatic effect. “Chris.”
Jonny wasn't sure what to make of this. He ended up laughing and shaking his head. “I don't think you can tell who it is just by that.”
“No, listen, I'm serious. Chris uses all sorts of weird words like that, and... you know, I always kinda suspected that he wasn't exactly heterosexual.”
Jonny laughed some more. “What would make you think that?”
“I don't know,” Guy shrugged, “just that he never has a girlfriend as far as I know, he never even seems to go on any dates with girls, and he's always spilling his emotions all over the place.”
“I still don't think-”
“You just don't want it to be Chris, because he's not a girl.”
“No, it's not that, it's just-”
“So, you do want it to be Chris?”
“No, I didn't say that!” Jonny was blushing horribly. “I'm just not sure how trustworthy your detective skills are, and I wouldn't want to make an assumption only to have it turn out to be wrong, you know?”
“OK,” Guy replied, and dropped the subject, even though he was obviously in disbelief.
“No way, seriously?” Guy's voice rang through the phone in response.
“Yeah, he just told me...”
“Well? What are you gonna do?”
“I don't know. What should I do?”
“Do you like him?”
“He said he loves me.”
“Well, that's all fine and dandy, but do you like-”
“Guy, he loves me! That's... that's... I don't know. It's not normal or something.”
“How is it not normal? People fall in love all the time.”
“Yeah, with other people of the opposite sex.”
“So, that is your problem, then! You're just uncomfortable with a guy liking you.”
“Like and love are two completely different things, Guy.” Jonny's voice was brimmed with anger now. Though even then he knew he shouldn't have, he snapped, “Not like you'd know.” Guy took it a little too close to heart.
“Hey, that's not fair. Listen, you called to ask for my advice, but it doesn't seem like you actually want it. So, I'm going now. Bye.” Before Jonny could argue, the other line shut off. Jonny sighed and slammed the phone down on the table. He sat on his bed and read the note.
Fifteen minutes later, his eyes were still glued to the page. They were stuck on the line where Chris had shyly written the words I love you. Honestly, he had seen this coming. He knew Guy had been right in his prediction, and he knew that Chris was in love with him, long before he ever even received a note.
“NO!!” a voice whined. Jonny heard it as he walked down the sidewalk. It sounded like it was coming from around the side of the building, and for some reason he decided to check it out. There were more whines and shrieks as he drew nearer, and he began to wonder if he should just leave the person, who seemed to be a little psychotic, alone. But he pressed on.
Just around the corner, he found a man scrunched up with his head resting on his knees. His hands were covering his eyes, and he sighing exaggeratedly. He must have sensed Jonny's presence, because he stopped and looked up.
“Are you OK?” Jonny tentatively asked. The man shook his head, and his curls bounced all over.
“Not really.”
Jonny hadn't expected such an answer. Usually, if something was wrong, he'd ask if the person was OK, and they would just lie and say yes. But this man was being honest, and it made Jonny a little sad.
He sat down beside the man, a caring look on his face. “What's wrong?”
“Everything,” the man mumbled. He looked down at the ground briefly, then turned his head. “Jonny, do you-”
“How do you know my name?”
“-what?”
“How do you know my name?” Jonny repeated, worried a little. The man changed his expression. But instead of looking guilty and like he'd just gotten caught, he looked hurt.
“I sit next to you in English.” The man's voice cracked, and his eyes started to tear. Jonny just looked at him apologetically. He returned to his folded position in which Jonny had found him.
Jonny sat back and looked up at the sky, trying to think. He was like that for a good two minutes, before the man finally spoke again, in a broken, desperate tone. “My name is Chris.”
“Right. Chris... God, I'm sorry,” Jonny said, slapping himself on the forehead. “I can't believe I didn't remember you.”
“I can.” Chris looked up, and Jonny could see his eyes were bloodshot. “Not saying anything against you, I mean that people never notice me.”
Even though he feared he may have screwed things up already, Jonny still wanted to help. “What were you going to ask me before?”
“Do you ever think about killing yourself?” Chris's response was so quick and so certain that it frightened Jonny quite a bit. Jonny's eyes flew open and he searched for something to say in return.
“No, of course not. And, Chris, you shouldn't either.”
“Why shouldn't I?”
“Because that's not the way to-”
“No one would even notice if I was gone.”
“That's not true.”
“Yes, it is. You didn't even know I existed, and I've talked to you before.”
“You have?” Jonny asked, stupidly and without thinking. “Shit! Chris, listen to me. I'm sorry that people don't pay attention to you, or haven't paid attention to you before. But you can't k... You can't do that, Chris. It's not the way to solve your problems.”
“I don't see any other way. No one's gonna miss me, anyway.”
“No. No, Chris, I'll miss you. I'll notice your gone.” Jonny was almost as teary as Chris was now, and begging as if his own life depended on it. “Please, please, don't even think about doing it.”
Chris simply shook his head. “I'd like to, Jonny, but... some people just aren't meant for this world.”
“Chris!” Jonny forcefully took hold of Chris's shoulders and yanked him close. Some fear lit up Chris's eyes, and it only increased as Jonny started screaming at him. “I'm serious. You're not doing this!”
“O-OK.”
Jonny stared and breathed deeply. He tried to quiet himself. “You promise?”
“I promise.”
“Fine.” Jonny let go of Chris, and Chris sat back against the building. There was some expected silence, awkward and long, which Jonny decided to end. “Are you doing anything tonight?”
Chris looked up at him, a tad confused. “No, why?”
“We could hang out or something.”
“Really, you want to hang out with me?”
“Sure, why not?”
“OK... what time?”
“How about eight?”
“Eight is good... Thank you, Jonny.”
Jonny smiled warmly and kindly. “You're welcome, Chris.”
Eight o'clock rolled around, and Jonny was being lectured at by his father. It was an unexpected phone call, one which he knew he couldn't hang up on. But he was supposed to be going to pick Chris up for their night out. He wasn't exactly excited to be hanging out with Chris, but it was certainly better than having to hear his father go on and on about God knows what.
Jonny just sat there, occasionally saying things like, “Yeah, dad,” and “I know,” but never really knowing what he was agreeing to. The minutes ticked away, and he found himself to be almost twenty minutes late by the time his father finally said goodbye. It took him another five minutes to reach Chris's dorm.
He knocked, and at first there was no answer. But he thought he hadn't knocked too hard, so he just tried again. Still no answer. He tried a third time, and by this point he was growing extremely nervous. Instinct told him to just forget being polite, and walk right on in. So, he grabbed the doorknob and turned it as quickly as he could.
Chris was laying, nearly unconscious, on his bed. Jonny rushed over to him.
“Oh, Jonny, I thought you weren't coming,” Chris said. But Jonny noticed that he was slurring. His eyelids were drooping, and he looked overly intoxicated.
“No, I was just late 'cause my dad called. But I got here as soon as I could.”
“Oh... are you mad at me?”
“Mad? Why would I be mad at you?”
“Because I broke my promise.”
Jonny slowly looked down, where Chris's hand was limply resting off the side of the bed. Just inches below his fingertips sat a bottle of what appeared to be aspirin. It also appeared to be empty. Jonny looked back up at Chris, totally speechless.
“It's not easy to swallow all those pills, you know.”
Jonny stared for a second longer, then finally pulled himself together. He darted his eyes around the room. “Where's your phone?”
“I don't have a phone.”
“What?!”
“No one would call me, what's the point?”
“Oh, God, Chris!!” Jonny stood up, sighed, and started pacing. Then he made his way over to the door and started screaming for help. A young woman showed up a minute later, and Jonny instructed her to call an ambulance. She nodded and ran, not bothering to ask why, which Jonny was grateful for. He waited by the doorway for her to return.
“Jonny, am I gonna die?” Jonny slowly turned to Chris, feeling even more helpless than ever before.
“Um...”
“I-I don't wanna die.” Tears began to openly stream down to Chris's pillow. “Jonny, please. Don't let me die.”
“I won't let you die,” Jonny firmly said.
“I don't want to die, I just want people to know I'm alive.”
Jonny left his post and walked back over to Chris. “It'll all be fine, Chris. You'll be OK, and from now on, you'll have me, at least. And that's better than nothing, right?”
“Jonny, you're too nice.”
“Isn't that what you want, though? Someone to be nice to you?”
“Yeah. Well, close enough, anyway.” Chris tried to smile. “Thanks.”
“I thought you weren't gonna give me advice.”
Guy just shot Jonny a look and leaned against the door frame. “I know you're not gonna do anything unless I tell you what to do.”
“That's ridiculous, it's not like I listen to everything you say.”
“No, but you're too scared of what'll happen if you handle this on your own.”
Jonny paused, soaking in Guy's words. After deciding Guy was right, Jonny pushed the door open to allow his friend to enter.
“OK,” Guy started, helping himself to a seat on Jonny's bed. “So... Chris told you he loves you.”
“Yeah, and then he ran away.”
“Well, I think the first thing we need to do is figure out how you feel about him. Because then it'll be a lot easier to decide what to tell him.”
Jonny walked over and sat next to Guy. For a while he just stared at the ground, but he slowly moved his eyes up. “I'm not sure.”
“You're not sure... how you feel about him?”
“Ever since you said that you thought he was sending the notes, things have been... I don't know. Different.”
“Do you think you might like him?”
Jonny could feel his cheeks turning red. Guy was being very helpful, and his tone was in no way judgmental. Still, Jonny was starting to get flustered. The subject just wasn't something he was really comfortable talking about.
“Yeah,” he quietly mumbled. He made sure to avert his eyes and tried to hide his head, but he could still see Guy giving him a smile.
Chris was letting his pen dance across the blank paper in front of him. He rushed to get the words out before he forgot them all. Songs usually came to him at random times, so it wasn't out of the ordinary to see him bent down over a sheet of paper.
Jonny took his seat next to Chris, and contemplated what to do next. He wanted to talk to Chris, but he wasn't sure if he should bother Chris at a time like this. Being the polite man that he was, Jonny decided that he would just wait to say anything. But Chris looked up just as Jonny was about to turn away.
“Hi, Jonny,” he smiled.
“Hi, Chris,” Jonny smiled back. “How are you doing today?”
“I'm well. I started to write a song earlier, but... I'm stuck now.” Chris frowned at his paper, then shrugged his shoulders. Then he looked back at Jonny with his big eyes. “And how are you?”
“I'm all right. Hey, I need to ask you something.”
“What?”
“Do you know what 'effulgent' means?”
Chris thought for a minute. He looked like he was digging pretty hard for an answer. “No, sorry.”
“Oh, OK.” Having theoretically proven that Chris was not the sender of the mysterious notes, Jonny felt oddly disheartened. He wrote it off, citing that he was probably only sad because now he had no clue who the culprit was.
But for the next hour and a half, this feeling just kept nagging at him. He found himself stealing glances at Chris as often as he could. One time he even forgot to look away, and Chris almost caught him staring.
By the time class ended, Jonny was still under the impression that he just wanted to know who sent him the notes. He waited for Chris so they could leave together, which surprised Chris a little.
“Jonny, you waited for me?”
“Yeah.”
“...Cool! What you asked me before- what 'effulgent' means- I can look it up for you.”
Jonny's eyes wandered over to Chris's, and they both smiled. “Thanks.” Chris nodded his reply, and Jonny finally began to think that maybe there was more to what he was feeling.
“Well, listen, in my experience, if you think you like someone, you like them.”
“So, I like Chris?”
“You tell me.”
Jonny stared at the ground. He tried to think of what it was like whenever he was around Chris. It wasn't much different from when he was around anyone else. It's not like his heart started beating faster or anything. His stomach never flipped. Or maybe he was just lying to himself.
“What do you think it would be like to be with him?” Jonny looked up to Guy, blinked a few times, then realized that Guy was expecting an answer. So, Jonny thought about it.
He thought about walking up to Chris and holding his hand. He thought about resting his arm around Chris's shoulder. He thought about brushing his hand lightly along the side of Chris's face. Then he thought of what it would be like for their lips to meet, for their hands to wander.
“Yeah, I like him.”
“Perfect! Now you don't have to think of what to say to him. Just tell him you like him.”
“Right now?”
“If you want.”
Guy encouragingly patted Jonny on back. Jonny took a deep breath, and stood up with a here-goes-nothing attitude.
The five minute walk to Chris's dorm seemed to last forever. Jonny wished he could teleport, so that he wouldn't have to deal with this anxiety building inside of him due to the wait. He just wanted to see Chris and let him know how he felt.
Chris was drawing something when he heard a knock on his door. He set the pencil he was holding down on the paper and went to answer the door. He was rather surprised to find Jonny standing in front of him.
“Hey,” Chris slowly said. “I didn't think I'd ever see you again.”
“Well, how would you like it if we saw a lot more of each other from now on?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, what if we were, like, dating?”
“Uh... Well, that would have to mean that you don't hate me.”
“Yeah,” Jonny laughed. “It would mean I would have to like you.”
“Do you like me?”
“Yep.”
Chris stood still for a moment, blushing and looking at Jonny. Finally, he raised his hand up and scratched the back of his neck. “Are you doing anything tomorrow night?”
“No, but I'm also not doing anything now.”
“We could just walk around for a bit. And, you know, talk. Or whatever.”
“That sounds great.”
Chris smiled and grabbed his jacket from the floor. He suddenly remembered the drawing on his bed, which he carefully picked up and carried over to Jonny.
“I was making this for you.” He held the paper out, and Jonny took it. “I've been working on it for a while.”
“This is...” Jonny examined the paper intricately for a bit. “This is me and you?”
Chris nervously bit his thumb and nodded. “Uh huh.”
“It's beautiful.” Jonny slowly held the paper down, Chris's image replacing its wood pulp and graphite combination. “Thank you.”
Chris smiled at him with more emotion than could ever be described with words. He suggested they get going, and they decided to just walk around the area a bit. Eventually, they ended up walking over a bridge that ran over a river which shimmered magnificently in the moonlight. Jonny pulled Chris down an embankment near the side, and together they sat by the river's edge, just talking.
“I've always thought this river was beautiful, especially at night,” Jonny said.
“I know. I remember the first time you brought me here... that's what the drawing is, actually.”
“I thought so. It really is amazing. The drawing, I mean.”
“An amazing drawing for an amazing man,” Chris happily replied. “And an amazing friend.”
Jonny grinned and moved himself closer to Chris. Then he put his arm around Chris's shoulder and gave him a peck on the cheek.
Chris was doing a lot better now. It had been a few months since his suicide attempt, during which time he and Jonny had become good friends. Not exactly best friends, as Chris would have liked, but good friends.
One night they'd gone out to get Chinese food together. The people who worked in the restaurant always freaked Chris out a bit, so Jonny gladly suggested they eat by the river. Chris had never been there before, apparently, and when Jonny received this news, he was even more enthusiastic about going. Chris excitedly agreed, and so they sat and ate their dinner by the river. They were quiet for a while, until Chris spoke up out of nowhere.
“I thought about it again today.”
“About what?” Jonny harmlessly asked, continuing to stick his fork in his container of noodles.
“About killing myself.”
This time Jonny stopped. “You did?”
“Yeah. But then I remembered that I have at least one person who cares about me, and then I didn't want to do it anymore.”
“Good.”
“That's you, by the way,” Chris jestingly added. Jonny laughed.
“I figured.”
“Jonny, I can not thank you enough for saving me.”
“You don't need to thank me-”
“Yes, I do! Without you, I wouldn't be here. You saved me.”
“I... whatever. It's no big deal. I'm sure anyone would have done it for you.” Jonny appeared to be growing uncomfortable with the sudden praise he was receiving, and Chris couldn't help laughing at him.
“No, not anyone. Only someone very special.”
Jonny looked at Chris and knew he wasn't ever going to get him to stop. “OK, fine. You're welcome.”
Jonny shook his head, laughed, and returned his attention to the container in his hands. Chris watched him, then looked at the river, then went back to staring at Jonny.
The river really was as lovely as Jonny had mentioned. Chris would have sat there and looked at it all night long if he could have. But Jonny seemed to be stealing his focus, a thousand times more captivating than the river was.
And that's when Chris realized he was in love with Jonny.
