Monday, April 12, 2010

The Risks and Benefits of Leaving Your Car Unlocked Overnight

Jonny sat quietly in the front seat of his car. He was just about to start it and drive off somewhere. His hand was on the key, the key was in the ignition, and his ambitions and hopes were stored in trunk. Well, his guitar was in the trunk, anyway.

When he started that car, the roaring engine made him feel like he was invincible. It was him and the car against the world, and there was no way they were going to lose. Unless he hit a tree or something.

The radio came on as well, a soothingly dull background noise that Jonny felt the need to crank up to eardrum-exploding volume. First an AC/DC song came on, and Jonny rocked out to that, then a Beatles song came on, and he also rocked out to that, because he liked both bands and thought they were both "puh-retty cool."

But then the worst possible scenario happened. Suddenly sound waves emanated from the radio that were less than pleasing to the ear.

That's right. It was Lady BaaBaa.

But as Jonny drove down the road as fast as he could, trying to reach the next stop sign quickly so he could change the radio while he was stopped, he looked up in the rear-view mirror and noticed something awful.

The radio wasn't on.
And in the back seat of his car... was Lady BaaBaa.

She sang to Jonny with all of her skankiness and bright pink wool, and Jonny swerved to the side of the road and slammed on the brakes.

"OH MY GOD!" he screamed as he ran out of the car. He thought he'd be safe outside, with Lady BaaBaa trapped in the back seat, but he was wrong. Lady BaaBaa was not your average pop-singing sheep. No, she was so much sneakier than that.

Lady BaaBaa slipped her way through the open driver's side door, and began to chase Jonny around in what looked like a simple, fun game of Ring Around the Car to an innocent passerby. But the passerby didn't realize that Jonny was trapped in a never-ending cycle of near death.

Someone else did, though. By a great stroke of luck, Jonny and Lady BaaBaa were locked in treacherous battle right outside of Chris's house.

Chris clung to the living room curtains, peeling them away gently to see what the hell was causing all the freaking rucous outside of his house. He was trying to watch Yo Gabba Gabba, for Christ's sake!

But when he saw that the source of the disruption was his precious Jonny and the dispicable Lady BaaBaa, he immediately forgot all about DJ Lance Rock and the fact that his house had a door, and he threw open the window and climbed out at lightning speed. This was finally his chance to prove to Jonny that he was more than just some dweeb who Jonny was kinda friends with.

"JONNY, I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU!" Chris shouted as he ran across his lawn in a manly way. Jonny looked up briefly as he rounded the front of the car, Lady BaaBaa dangerously close behind.

"Chris!"

"Hang on!"

As Jonny ran past Chris once more, Chris moved over into Lady BaaBaa's path. Jonny kept going, though, as he hadn't realized what Chris was doing just yet.

Lady BaaBaa charged at Chris with all her might, but she was no match for the awesome powers of Christopher Martin, professional sheep wrangler. Chris caught Lady BaaBaa just before she crashed into him, and he threw her as far as he could off into the street, where she proceeded to spontaneously combust.

"Oh, Chris," Jonny swooned, placing one hand over his heart and the other on his forehead. "You handled that amazingly!"

"Well," Chris said, tossing his head to flip his hair, resting his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest, "that's what happens when you grow up in Devon."

"Oh, do you think you could teach me how to do that?" Jonny asked, swooping in closer to Chris with big green eyes.

"Sorry, mate, but that's not something you can learn. Either you're born with it, or you're not." Jonny frowned and lowered his head, but Chris placed his hand on Jonny's cheek and forced him to look up again. "But I can teach you something else."

"Like what?" Jonny replied, completely entranced. Chris leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on Jonny's lips. "Oh. That's better."

"It sure is." Chris wrapped his arm around Jonny's shoulder, and together they walked towards Chris's house. "Now, let's go watch Yo Gabba Gabba... or maybe we'll do something else, eh, eh?"

Jonny blushed at Chris's proposition, and giggled as Chris smiled a cheesy smile and winked at the non-existent camera, because he's crazy.

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