Crushed.

Jonny was sitting on his bed, his back up against the wall. He could barely keep his eyes open for longer than a few seconds at a time. The book in his lap was heavy, the text blurred as his tired eyes lost their focus. His head began to loll to the side.

Just then, a rather loud knock on his bedroom door woke him up with a jolt. He looked to the closed door, dazed for a few seconds, then gathered his energy and said, “Come in.”

The door flew open and an equally tired-looking Chris was revealed. In his hands he tightly gripped a copy of the same textbook that was taking up space in Jonny's lap. While there were dark circles under his eyes, they were wide and gave Chris and overall frazzled appearance.

“Jonny, we are so fucked,” he breathed, sounding absolutely horrified. He took a few frantic steps inside and towards Jonny's location on the bed. “There is no way I can remember any of this shit.”

“You're telling me,” Jonny said in a sort of slur. “I've been reading this thing all day and I have no idea what it says.” Chris sighed heavily and sat down at the edge of Jonny's bed. Jonny watched him for a while. “Maybe we'll get lucky and something will happen and the final will have to be postponed or something.”

Chris turned, his deep blue eyes landing on Jonny. He smiled. “That would be nice.” An idea flickered across his eyes, and he slowly crawled to where Jonny was sitting. “Hey, maybe if we study together, we can actually get something done.”

“That's a good idea,” Jonny agreed as he kept his eyes on Chris's. Chris smiled for a second, then he looked quickly around the room.

“I'll go make some coffee,” he said, jumping up from the bed and rushing out of the room.

Jonny turned back to his book and tried once again to read its dull and sleep-inducing words. He had managed to read and reread one paragraph roughly eight times before Chris returned, two steaming mugs in his hands. “Here,” Chris said, handing Jonny one of the mugs.

Jonny looked up and took the cup from Chris. “Thanks.” He took a sip, but it was a small one; Jonny had never really cared much for coffee. Chris sat close beside him, his knees brought up to his chest. His eyes peered over the words that Jonny had tried to comprehend in Chris's absence.

“Well, let's get at it, shall we?”

Chris grabbed his own book and flipped open to the same page as Jonny. They alternated reading paragraphs aloud for a while, then they tried to quiz each other on what they had just read. They didn't even know if any of it was going to end up being on the final, but they tried to absorb as much as they could.

“Jonny, what time is the final?” Chris asked as he stared down at the watch strapped around his wrist. Jonny looked over at him and thought for a few moments.

“I think... I think it's at ten-thirty,” Jonny replied.

“Oh, good,” Chris sarcastically said, his eyes still on the watch.

“Why?”

Chris lifted his eyes to Jonny and twisted up his mouth. “It's already two.” He sighed, closed his book, and stretched a little, careful not to hit Jonny with his long arms. “I think maybe we should get some rest.”

“Yeah, I don't really want to fall asleep during the exam,” Jonny said. He closed his book as well, tossing it off the bed and not really caring where it landed. Then he turned to stretch so that his torso was facing Chris. “Goodnight, then...”

“Goodnight, Jonny,” Chris said with a tiny smile, and leaned forward and kissed Jonny on the cheek. It was harmless, and he had done it a thousand times before, but suddenly everything felt different. Maybe it was the coffee, or the tiredness, or a combination of the two, but both boys felt it in equal and simultaneous amounts.

For a few seconds they just stared at each other, eyes locked and hearts racing. Maybe if they just waited it out, things would go back to normal. But with every second that passed the feeling only intensified, and while their minds were blank their bodies took over, leaning closer to each other without their awareness.

Eventually there was no more room for either to move forward, and their lips gently brushed. It was like testing the waters, and as soon as they discovered the temperature was fine, they jumped right in. Chris brought his hands up and cupped them under Jonny's jaw; he was running on instinct, only doing what he did because it was what felt right. It was the same with Jonny, whose hands slid around Chris's sides to pull him closer. The two stayed like that for a long time.

- - -

“I still don't think I'm ready for this,” Chris said as he watched Jonny shove a slice of toast into his mouth. Chris was far too anxious to eat, his acidic stomach making him feel nauseous from just the sight of food.

“Yeah, me neither,” Jonny agreed through a mouthful of bread. He remembered what manners were and finished chewing before he spoke again. “But think of it this way, one more exam and that's it. We're done. Then we can finally focus entirely on the band.”

“Yeah, the band...” Chris drew a sharp breath, and his nervousness increased. “Which... reminds me... um, I think that maybe we should talk. About what happened last night.”

“Oh.” Jonny looked down at his plate. Judging by Chris's tone, this talk wasn't going to be a pleasant one. “Yeah, of course.”

“We... we can't.” Jonny had been expecting it. And though Chris sounded exasperated, it didn't help. “We can't be together.”

“Right. Wouldn't want to jeopardize the band.” Jonny kept looking down, trying to hide his disappointment. It wasn't working.

“Well... well, yeah, but it's not just that. You know, you're my best friend, Jonny. You're the only person in the world I feel comfortable enough with to tell everything to. And so you know me better than anyone else does. You know what my dating history is like...” Chris sighed and folded his hands on the table. “Every relationship I've ever been in has ended badly, and it's always because I go and screw everything up. I don't want that to happen with us.”

“It doesn't have to happen,” Jonny said. He looked at Chris and tried to pull off his best persuasive tone. “Maybe it would work out fine.” Chris nodded a little, but he didn't look too convinced.

“I know. There's a chance that nothing will go wrong, but it seems like such a big risk to take. And I-” Chris stuttered for a few moments. He unfolded his hands and tapped his fingers on the surface of the table. “I love you, Jonny. You mean more than anything to me. So, I would much rather we just stay friends, and I won't have to worry about losing you. Even if that means always having to wonder...”

“Friendship doesn't always last forever, either,” Jonny quietly said, his last desperate attempt to change Chris's mind. But he knew it still wouldn't do anything. Chris looked at him with a sad expression, and he reached across the table and placed his hand over Jonny's.

“I wish I didn't feel this way- I wish we could be together, I mean, because I do l-love you, I really do. And we would be so perfect together, I know it.” Chris stared longingly at Jonny for a few brief moments. Then he slowly pulled his hand back. “But I'm just too afraid. I'm sorry.”

“It's OK,” Jonny said in a low voice, though only a tiny part of him felt that way. Eventually, he would get over it. “I think maybe we should get going now.”

Chris wanted to say more, wanted to apologize again and again, but Jonny stood up and left the room too quickly for him to do anything more than inhale. But that was the way it had to be, and Chris knew he could never change that.