The Lecturer

Life is a mystery. You never know what's coming until it's here. Then, once it happens, the best you can hope for is that it shapes you as person. After all, we're only the products of what's been thrown at us.

I like to think that this is what shaped me as a person. This seemingly insignificant event that happened quite some time ago (so long ago, in fact, that I'm surprised I can remember it) is what made me who I am today.

When I started school, I was just another hyperactive five-year-old boy. Loved recess, loved snack time. Hated everything else. Except for music class. Even back then, I knew what my calling was. Then I met another boy. He was quiet, reserved, and something seemed to pull us together. We formed this bond that no one else could understand. We spent every day together, playing all the little kid games that are prevalent throughout youth.

One day, we were at his house, playing some sort of video game, if I recall correctly. We were older now, fifteen or so. It was about the time that I told my parents I didn't want to become a banker, or anything like that. My passion was music. We were playing, but I was losing horribly. He was so much better than I ever could hope to be. It was all right, though, because I was a much better singer than he could ever hope to be.

I turned to him after one of the games, and noticed a slight twitch in his face. It was pretty subtle, and nothing to really cause any concern. But he looked at me and told me something that I was afraid to hear.

We stopped being friends after that. It was too risky. The only problem was that I hadn't acquired any other friends. I had no need for them. So, I had to go back to school and go through the day by myself. When I came home, I would mull over the day's events by myself. It went on like that for the rest of my high school career.

I still wanted to be a musician, but to please my parents, I went to college. So did he. We never talked, though our dorms where seperated by only one room. Every day I would see him. Every day I would be reminded of how alone I was.

College seemed to me like a place to meet new people. I went expecting to make friends, to find other people who I could rely on. I did no such thing.

Every day I would see him. In the hallways, walking around campus, even in a few of my classes. Every day I would be reminded of what a mistake it was to let him go. There would never be someone who I could trust as implicitly as I trusted him. There would never be someone who I was more comfortable around. But we couldn't be friends. You can't be in love with your best friend.

It was a decision we both agreed on, but it was a decision we both regretted. After five years of not speaking, I lost my self-control. It was nearly one in the morning, but something told me he'd still be awake. I knocked on his door, and he was there within seconds.

We talked for hours about everything and nothing and all the stuff in between. It was the happiest time I'd experienced since we had last talked.

I remember talking about our music careers specifically. I was still trying to make it as a singer, playing little gigs like my sister's birthday party, and he was producing these amazing guitar riffs in his spare time. The words spilled out of my mouth and before I knew it, we formed our own little band. We had to set our feelings aside as best as we could, and we promised to be nothing but friends.

After some time, our band grew two members larger. We were gaining some popularity around the campus, too. We even managed to play a few live shows at the local cafe. Things were going great.

The other two didn't know about our history. There was no reason to tell anyone that we were harboring deep feelings of affection for one another. After all, it would probably make things even more awkward between us.

See, it's basically impossible to forget that you're in love. Everything reminds you of it, from the way the person says 'Hello!' and smiles at you to the way the person laughs at your jokes. It's even harder when the other person is in love with you as well. And being best friends... I think you get it. It's awkward to the point that you just want to end all contact with the person. It's also awkward to the point that you just want to climb on top of the roof of your dorm building and scream at the top of your lungs that you love him. You love your best friend more than anyone will understand. You don't do either, because he is your best friend, and you want it to stay that way, but you can't be in love with your best friend.

And this is just one example of the hardships we all face. The hardships that test us and push us to our limit until we break down and cry. Or, maybe we push through and come out of it stronger than we were before. We can deny ourselves that happiness we want because we know it would complicate things to a horrendous amount, and that will become part of who we are. Or, we can give in to temptation and forget about what anyone else thinks, and that becomes part of who we are.We're all made up of what life throws at us. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad. But it's all us.